Journal

I was an anxious child.

Perhaps there are better words. Nervous? Scared? I don't know, but what I do know is that, up until I started college (and then for a time afterwards whenever I was home), I stuttered/stammered while talking very fast. Was I made fun of? Yes, though I can't recall any specific incidents. Did my parents (and grandparents) often speak to it? Yes. In fact, around age 12-13, Mom and Dad tried to bribe me with a drum set that was bought for me as a Christmas present (over Thanksgiving), saying that if I could speak slowly for two weeks, I could have it early. I think I made it a day; I got the drum set early anyways.

(And I remember my grandmother trying to show me an example of what I sounded like by saying, "Jeep?" in place of "Did you eat?")

I also had occasional tics, like, for example, contorting my face (sort of pulling my nose down) to "get air in my eyes." 

Friday, 1/24/25

An attempt to figure out who I am.

I know this, I don't particularly like me. I mean, sure, there are times when I really connect with life and people and feel like I've done a lot of good (Wednesday bike rides), but I pretty much feel like I'm never good enough.

As a child, I was definitely never good enough. Swim times were AAA, but short of AAAA; grades were 80% 1s, but 20% 2s (with 3 being the worst, IIRC). I would imagine a lot of this made me anxious, and thus the results above.

I know that I always put others first, and do whatever is necessary to not let them down. I'm always on time (or early), I do what I say I'm going to do without fail, I never forget any kind of debt and work to make sure that if there is "debt" to be had, it's in their favor.

(The one time I didn't put others first was in Morocco. That was such a difficult experience for me. I felt utterly helpless.)

So, I'm reliable.

A lot of the time, when it comes to interactions, I'm scared. I "protect" myself, I think, by saying dumb/sexual/funny/intellectual things. I can REALLY struggle to listen to what others are saying and am guilty of forming responses while listening rather than simply listening. I'd love to change this.

When it comes to women, I'm scared of them being attracted to me and I'm scared of being attracted to them.

I don't ever want to disappoint anyone. Ever. (I disappointed people in Morocco, and I still carry that around.) That's part of being unfailingly reliable, I imagine. This also makes it difficult to do anything because mistakes will always be made (that's a part of being human) and that leads to disappointment, in myself and from others.

Part of the riding towards the back with others is that nobody gets disappointed, particularly me. I'm not struggling to keep up and I'm almost playing a sort of "hero" role. This avoids having to prove myself, or my failing to keep up.

I love animals and children because both are honest and neither judges me.

(I'm feeling just the beginning of sadness, and it's reminding me of that dance instructor back in northern Virginia. IIRC, she was married/engaged, but in some way I was totally accepted and not judged by her.)

Paralysis by analysis.

I REALLY don't like being Coleman, Jr. I worked so hard as a child (into adulthood) being who and what my dad wanted me to be that it's an incredible struggle to step out of that role. The name surely doesn't help.

Here's a prompt I found - "When was I myself?"

When I was a flight attendant. I follow procedures very well, and asking for drink orders, meal choices, etc. was easy. I quite enjoyed the announcer role and got many comments on my voice. I also enjoyed the one-on-one time with many of the coworkers, whether sitting together for take-off or landing, or getting together for the least expensive meal we could find.

That said, I did NOT like serving first class. I felt like I was being judged all the time, including for being a male, as I felt all the men in first class were unhappy that a good-looking female wasn't waiting on them.

I was myself in China. I liked myself in China. I was very calm, I was responsible to and for myself, I was respectful, I was curious. I slept like a baby! I felt like I was a representative of America, and teaching and I wanted to be the best representative I could be.

It's interesting how I play off of others, particularly in cases where the person is doing or acting in a way that I don't like. I do the opposite. In most cases, I see me in them, and, as I don't like it, I do the opposite.

Monday, 1/27/25

Back to China.

As I mentioned, I was someone I quite liked when I was in China. I was calm, kind, thoughtful, inquisitive, respectful, engaging, reliable (of course), interested. I really enjoyed learning about the students, the culture, the Harkness Method (math).

I was obviously only responsible for myself, to quite a large degree. Heck, Wuhan was pretty far away from most of the other similar programs, so there was essentially no supervision.

I find that some people have a way of bringing out the best in me. Jennifer (long ago girlfriend) brought out the best in me to the point where I recognized that a part of the definition of love has to do with how the other person makes you feel about yourself. I liked me when I was Jennifer.

I feel similar with some of my female cycling friends here in Greenville.

I think the commonality between these situations is that I offer them something (stability and liking her, in Jennifer's case [she'd had a tough marriage and divorce]; cycling knowledge and experience in local friends' cases). Do I struggle with people for whom I don't see myself offering anything?? I know that to some extent, women that I've been attracted to (and who have been attracted to me) are, perhaps, needy. (Mom's word?) I don't think it's been strength seeking strength, but rather damaged seeking damaged to fulfill a need.

Tuesday, 2/4/15

The fear of being rejected. Ever present. Why? It seems the fear is so pervasive that it prevents me from trying anything, doing anything with others. It definitely put up (and still puts up) a wall to dating.

Did I just feel, early on, rejected? I don't think I ever felt good enough, but rejected? I'm struggling to see that. But is never being good enough some kind of form of rejection?

What's always been apparent to me is my total comfort with kids and animals. I think it has to do with acceptance and a form of non-judging. And, from me, acceptance and non-judging. I know where I stand and I know what to expect. Control?

Bought a book (and associated workbook) on boundaries. Arrives tomorrow.

Recognize those things I don't like about dad.

With whom do I feel comfortable?

Setting boudaries

What I do, whether I feel comfortable or uncomfortable